This is the practice following our lecture today.
- Please write a short paragraph containing max 150 words
- Use the topic of the one/s that you have experienced with such as the one/s in the ADFELPS Writing Tests Task 1.
- Use COMMENT/TANGGAPAN button to reply to this thread.
- You can subsequently publish your writing onto this thread and use ANONYMOUS user.
- Do not forget to put your name and class on the left top side of your writing.
- Your work should be submitted NLT (No Later Than) Monday, 16 June 2008 at 10.00 hours.
- you can find my presentation here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/3335923/Writing-Paragraph
Looking forward to seeing your work.
Thank you.
RN
.jpg)
28 comments:
Children and TV
It is no doubt that watching a television program is a part of our daily lives. Mostly children and adolescences spend more than 22 hours per week to watch TV. This is bad fact. In this age, they should use a lot of time for studying. Moreover, not all of the TV programs are good for them especially in their character and daily behaviour. For example, If a child usually watchs fighting programs on TV such as WCW, cruel action films and etc. Sometimes, he/she will tend to apply what he/she saw in his/her activities. In fact, there are many criminal cases that a child hit his/her friend until got seriously injured even dead. So, It is compulsory for parents to guide and to control their children on watching TV. In conclusion, Watching TV will change childrens character and behaviour if parents do not concern and manage their children activities in choosing the the TV program.
by Andri Bayu Priyono
Kapten laut (E) Nrp. 14415/P
Kelas : B-I KIBI LXX
Name : M.Rachmat.Firdaus
Class : B1
NAVAL JOINT TASK FORCE
Development of social, economic, and military relationship among countries in South East Asia today has been growing rapidly. In addition to performing a better security in the trading zone on Singapore straits, naval unit, especially from Indonesian, Singapore, and Malaysian have conducted naval joint task force on the Singapore straits, the bussiest sea trade route in Asia. The purposes of naval joint task force are to conduct a better security in trade route to improve the relationship between countries and to share knowledge by conducting a joint military patrol operation and military exercises during the operation. By this kind of operation, we can also improve our relationship with both malaysian and singapore especially in term of military cooperation among each others. In addition this relationship can enhance both better understanding and the effectifeness of military operations among the nations in South East Asia. In order to conduct a better security in border area, we need to improve the relationship between our neighbouring countries. Not only in Singapore strait but also in every other parts of our territorial waters. We also can gain many advantages from the joint task force itself by improving skills and abilities on our naval force.
TRAFFIC IN JAKARTA
The number of vehicles in Jakarta seems to uncontrolled nowadays; consequently, we often see many vehicles chokes all over the roads, so it affect to traffic jam. The traffic jam sometimes happen in highway as well as in ordinary way. We all agree that there are no positive impacts from traffic jam scenes, however, many disadvantages we get from those overcrowd vehicles. Many people who want to go to do their bussiness get late although they have already spared their time in 2 hours for anticipating traffic jam. Hence, many Jakarta peoples have to go in early morning or even in dawn in order to prevent from traffic jam. For other extreme examples, it might be happen to a pregnant woman getting birth on the way to hospital due to trapped in overcrowd, or someone getting bad injured can’t be helped and died because the ambulance has no way out in the mids of traffic jam. Some researchers from medical department reported that the human-nervous-system-problem was mostly founded in big cities since they inhaled fumes continuously that produced from the number of vehicles’ emition. Furthermore, transportation department research discovered that over than 1,5 trillion rupiahs per day wasted in Jakarta which caused of producing fuels uselessly during traffic jam. The traffic jam phenomenon had been a big homework for The Jakarta local-government that seemed too difficult to overcome although they had provided Trans Jakarta bus which is furnished by comfortable accomodations. In my opinion, The Jakarta local-government should be strict in limiting the number of vehicles that operate throughout main roads, especially the use of private vehicles, by making a rule that obligate people to use Trans Jakarta bus-public transportation. Secondly, The center-government need to issue a policy that rectrict the number of own private vehicles which allow one private vehicle only in each family. The latter maybe sounds extreme, why not?
(Written by : Major Roland, B-1 Class)
The Weakness of IDAF
Indonesia needs much more millitary fighter aircraft to cover whole Indonesia territories, from Sabang to Merauke. Indonesia was entered accidentally many times by unpermitted foreign aircraft through International Sea Lines, but Indonesian Air Force (IDAF) that has few fighter aircrafts to guard Indonesia territories couldn’t accomplish forcing down the foes. For examples, in Bawean Island Incident, U.S F-18 Hornet flying entered Indonesia’s Territory at 12 miles from International Sea Line and Indonesia hadn’t done any emphatically action. Another example, in Papua Island close to Papua New Guenea’s border, chopper black flight had been caught many times by civilian’s Radar, not millitary Radar. There are three factors that caused the weakness of IDAF, such as; amount of fighter aircraft within weaponeries to cover Indonesia’s air space, the huge of Radar coverage and weakly millitary diplomacy.
Written by Lettu Tek Dzulkifli Effendi B-1 class
Major jaka s
B1
PENCAK SILAT
Pencak silat is one of martial art which comes from Indonesia. There are many kinds of pencak silats, for example Merpati Putih, SH Teratai, Cimande, etc. Pencak silat isn’t only a sport but also an art and a cultural heritage. As a sport, pencak silat contains of movements that needs speed, power and flexibility like the other sports. Therefore pencak silat is also competed in national event, PON for instance, and international events, such as Sea Games and Asian Games. Even pencak silathas been competed in world championship. Then, as an art, pencak silat plays a lot of beautiful movements and stances like a traditional dance. Because it has specific rules that becomes a base for playing the movement. Pencak silat is also as a cultural heritage. We don’t know when pencak silat is invented by our ancestor. Base on history, pencak silat was used by kings to strengthen their troop since hundreds years ago for losing their enemies. Every region in Indonesia has pencak silat that is a part of their cultures. Thus, each region has a specific characteristic in doing pencak silat. Overall, we should be proud as a citizen of Indonesia. We have plenty tribes with their cultures, which is amazed by many foreign countries, and pencak silat is one of them.
Aircraft Readiness
To protect our country from the invation is a compulsory for defending our souvrenity. One of this aspect is air power which can be built by aircraft readiness. Bawean case was an example for the weakness of our air power due to aircraft readiness. With high aicraft readiness, a country can protects the territory from the invader immediately as soon as the signal was detected. But, many difficulties showed up when the government could not provide adequate budget to maintain the aircraft in serviceable condition and loaded with life weapon. There are many aircraft have to be grounded due to spare. As Chief of Air Marshall said that almost 50% of IDAF’s aircaft were in unserviceable condition. As long as the maintenance carried out according to maintenance manual published by the manufacture correctly, possibility of accident or incident which can reduce aircraft readiness will be cut down.
(Written by Capt. Dedem, B-1 Class)
CSGT. Quirinus Aris S.
B1
WINNING AT SPORTS CAN MAKE US PROUD
Sport is a sort of activity that can make us not only healthy but also proud when we as athletes or our favorite athletes become the winners of every single international sport event. Many years ago Indonesia was well-known as a giant country at international badminton events in addition to football in Asia region , but now what goes wrong with our athletes ? they look like they are lame ducks that can not do much in a battle. In compared with our neighbours such as Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, and Vietnam we are the worst at sport’s achievement, whereas we used to beat them easily in every international game. The government should pay much more attention in motivating and triggering the athletes in order to have them dedicate their best for this country. The government should consider to stimulate them by giving them welfare and well organized training as well. Looking good young talented athletes is such a thing that must be done by the youth and sport ministry in order to increase the achievements. Hopefully by doing all above our country would be back as a well known huge country at sports. We will be proud of our athletes when they sacrifice their lives for this beloved country Indonesia.
Sgt Edwin Fredyanto
B1
Multinational Peace Keeping Operation Exercise
Multinational peace keeping operation exercise is a joint exercise for military personnel as a preparation before joining peace keeping operation in conflict areas. This exercise is very important because it is held by UN (United Nation) not only for preparing military personnel who will join peace keeping operation but also for informing them about the knowledge on peace keeping operation so that someday if they join the mission, they will be able to accomplish it on procedure based on the rules of engagement. It is quite different from our own exercise (pre-task exercise); for example, it is held at different places every year with many other countries participate in, but our pre-task exercise is held at the same place every year with no other country participates in. According to the data from Information and Data Processing Center of Indonesian Armed Forces Headquarter, Indonesia has sent 2 times and will become the host of the exercise next year.
Asep Ridwan
1st lieutenant / 11010054841179
B-1
Lets Build a Better Body Shape
By Choosing an Appropriate Sport
Sport is a kind of physical training played either individually, in a pair and or in a group. There are many kinds of sport played in the entire world, but some of them are banned to be played in some countries because of several countries regulations of sport. . If we compare kinds of sport allowed and banned in Indonesia and the USA, we will find many differences. Indonesia itself, has its own regulations in considering whether a kind of sport is allowed or banned. In Indonesia for instance, wrestling is banned since it may hurts its athlets and against Indonesian norms. Although there are many kinds of sport such as soccer, basket ball, tennis court ext, people should choose what kind of sport which convenient and usefull for them. In choosing an appropriate sport, people should consider on many factors such as their aim, interest and age, so that they can get an advantage of having sport maximumly.
Name : Yugi Nugraha
Penda III/a Nip. 030250247
Traffic jam is transportation’s crucial problem in the big cities in Indonesia. Jakarta as a Capitol city of Indonesia has that problem too. It happens every where and every time in the most main streets especially in rush hour in the morning, afternoon and evening. It Happens in the morning when commuters entering Jakarta for work, in the lunch time at noon, and when work hour is ended in the evening. Commuter is worker or someone who is work in Jakarta but live in the outer Jakarta in DEBOTABEK area. Most of them use a private motor as their transportation set. Statistic from National Statistic Institution indicate that commuter, in the past five years, must leaving their home for work 15 minutes earlier than before. They waste a half form their effective time every day in the road. As consequently, stress rate among them or who live in Jakarta is high. The effect of traffic jam is not only human but also environment. The wastes as a result of motor vehicle combustions cause air pollution. Jakarta is the highest air pollution in Indonesia and 4th in the world under India, China and USA. Seeing that, Jakarta Governor focus on developing new types of Mass transportation in order to decrease uses of private Vehicles. After long discussion with many consultants from in state and abroad, they decided to build Bus way system, Monorel and subway train.
Kapten Pnb Cahyo
WARFARE
The terminology of Warfare is the planning, process, strategies and the action of war. If a war is a story that is having an opening, middle and an end, so Warfare is the way in which the story is structured, made and executed to be a story. Warfare can be separated to three ways of category: Tactic Centric Warfare, Theatre Centric Warfare ( Place where the war is played ), the last is Weapon Centric Warfare. Furthermore, all categories are made with a view to get a success of running an operation in war.
Hu Ha!
What a surprise. I am truly surprised and happy to see your writings. They are awesome. At the beginning I feel that they are not really yours, considering that you are in the intermediate class. However, the fact shows differently. You are all have demonstrated nice English writing skills. I should not be correcting much except that some of your writing still have some minor erroneous such as; word choice, subject verb agreement, use of preposition, passive forms. The rest are well developed.
Congrats B1.
HU HA!
Lettu.Arm Danny Girsang
B1 Class Intensive English Course XX
Recently, technology has became a very important thing in every single kind of human life. There is no doubt every activity we do in our life dealing with technology, no matter what we are, or how old we are. Purposely or not, we have already use it. There are so many examples, from the simplest until the most complicated one. We can take the simplest one, such as cellular phone. This kind of communication device is already widely spread in every layer of our community. Not only for adults, but also children in elementary commonly use this thing. Using technology can assist our work, it can provide every kind of way to simplify many works. Every country try to developed their technologies, furthermore there is a kind of competition in technology among every country in the world especially among the developed countries.
Name : Imannuel B1
A Better Life with Better Equipment
We oftentimes assume that house-work activity is inconvenience and wasting our time. Since Technology of electronic equipment is growing rapidly, all house-work can be finished in short time and it is easy to be done. The growth of electronic equipment has a tendency to grow toward creating modern and sophisticated equipments especially for our health and surely it lightens our house-work. As an instance, by using full automatic washing machine, you will be able to wash your clothes while sleeping and when you wake up in the morning; your clothes are ready to put to the sun. Besides washing machine which is capable to lighten your house-work, there is the other equipment like Refrigerator which has capability not only it makes your food cooler and it makes ice cube but also it keeps fruits and vegetables from losing its contents such as vitamin, mineral, and protein so that it keeps your food remain fresh. Consequently, you don’t have to go shopping every day to obtain fresh food. T o alleviate the problems of climate especially in a hot summer days, there is an Air Conditioning (AC) with its special features might be able to avoid Avian Bird influenza virus. In addition, it consumes more less electricity. In short, with modern and sophisticated equipments, our life become much better and it makes our house-work can be finished in a short time and it can be done easily.
Bro Cahyo, I’d like give my comment to your writing task.
1. Actually your writing is good , but you must consider to put the topic sentence in your paragraph because in my own perspective your paragraph there is no topic sentence.
2. All of the sentences similar to support sentence.
3. The conclusion is not relating to hole paragraph
Regards
Tomy
Asep Ridwan
1st lieutenant / 11010054841179
B-1
Lets Build a Better Body Shape
By Choosing an Appropriate Sport
Sport is a kind of physical training played either individually, in a pair and or in a group. There are many kinds of sport played in the entire world, but some of them are banned to be played in some countries because of several countries regulations of sport. . If we compare kinds of sport allowed and banned in Indonesia and the USA, we will find many differences. Indonesia itself, has its own regulations in considering whether a kind of sport is allowed or banned. In Indonesia for instance, wrestling is banned since it may hurts its athlets and against Indonesian norms. Although there are many kinds of sport such as soccer, basket ball, tennis court ext, people should choose what kind of sport which convenient and usefull for them. In choosing an appropriate sport, people should consider on many factors such as their aim, interest and age, so that they can get an advantage of having sport maximumly.
To my friend..haloo bro, Beware....
1) Where is your topic sentences...?
2) Your write is indonesian language such as (in a pair and or in group)
3) Beware..after because of....(can’t use sentences)
4) I thing you are verry expert up to i dont know what you want in your paragraf
2nd lieutenant Ira
b2
Excuse me tor. I want to try to give my comment in your writing even though your ability is better than me. Actually, your writing is quite good.
1. Wrong letter tor, behaviour it should be behavior. Watchs → watches. Childrens → children’s
2. It is better for you to mention not only about the effect of TV program for children but also its advantages for them.
3. “ sometimes, he/she will tend to apply what he/she saw in his/her activities”. I think it is better if you change the possessive word into the other form, how if you change it into : “ sometimes, they will tend to apply what they saw in their activities”
4. “For example, If a child usually watchs fighting programs on TV such as WCW, cruel action films and etc. Sometimes, he/she will tend to apply what he/she saw in his/her activities” I think this is still in one sentence tor. Why don’t you put comma between them?
5. The use of “usually” should be “always”. I think it’s more proper.
That’s my comment tor. I hope you can receive it. If you have any complaint, please tell it to me. Okay tor!
Thank you and see you!
Mr. T36o3H. $
Dear Quirinus…
I think your writing is a very nice paragraph. However’ though my writing is not also good, I’d like to try to give some suggestions for your writing. Since this is one of English learning program. Here they are…
1. “Sport is a sort of activity” you need to omit “of”
2. “at international badminton events” change “at” to “in” since it refers to a frequent activities.
3. “what goes wrong with our athletes ‘?’” I think this is not a question, its more to a statement.
4. “they look like ‘they are’ lame ducks” it will be better if you erase ‘they are’.
5. “consider to stimulate them” to-stimulate become stimulating.
6. “Hopefully by doing all above” after hopefully must be followed by comma.
7. “We will be proud of our athletes when they sacrifice their lives for this beloved country Indonesia.” Are you crazy??? They are not soldiers who have to be sacrificed in a battle theatre. No one athletes want to be a fictim of a country struggle. However, being an athelete since they have no choice and job opportunities to be choosen. Indonesian citizen are nothing, Indonesian Defence Forces are always the best!!! Keep ur spirit, Bro!!!
Dear Mjr Jaka.
I appreciate reading your writing about Pencak Silat. Your idea is very interesting but may I suggest you about the mistake.if you don’t mind sir..
1. If we look at the main idea is good enough but you should break down to several part before, after that you expand each part that you have broke down as supporting sentences.
2. In conclusion you have explained about pencak silat has amazed by many foreign country, in my opinion it’s not too related with the main idea.
3. A little about common mistake such forget to put “s” n “ed” .
4. Pencak Silat still exist until now so it’s better for you to use explain in present.
Ok sir..that’s from me. Don’t hurt feeling ‘n’ Nice to read your writing…CU..
By.Mjr.Nasser
Dear Sgt.Edwin Frediyanto
Excuse me sir, In My opinion your writing is very nice. I would like to attempt to observe your writing because of the assignment in my studying here, but I don’t find any mistake in your writing. After reading your writing assignment, I get the perfect example of writing. I’m so lucky to have roommate like you sir. You are my teacher when I make assignment from the teacher for example writing. Hopely I will influent you in Language Knowledge especially English.
Good Luck Sir.
From Sgt. Erwan B-2,
From : Rachmad Nano Basuki \030249201- B2 Class
To : Yugi Nugraha Penda III/a Nip. 030250247
Please find my correction below :
Dear Yugi, I think your writing is quiet good. But I have some correction for you.
1. After reading your writing, I think you make more than 1 topic sentence in your paragraph. In the beginning, you explain about crucial problem in transportation. Otherwise you change the main idea to the effect of traffic jam in the middle.
2. Your supporting idea, sometimes didn’t support the main idea. For example, you can see it in the last sentence. I think those sentence is no correlation with topic sentence.
3. “entering Jakarta” should be changed “enter into”
4. “a private motor” I think should be changed “a private vehicle”
5. “must leaving” should be change “must be leaving or must leave”
Please make your consestance with your grammar. Thanks for your attention, I just only try, even I myself don’t know whether they are right or wrong. All the best for you
Flt Pamugkas
B-2
Dear sir Rolland,
I would like to give some suggestions for your writing, although my writing is not also good. I could find the topic sentence in your writing easily. A little mistake I am find like:
1. “We all agree that there are no positive impacts from traffic jam scenes, however, many disadvantages we get from those overcrowd vehicles”. Using however is to contras something positive and negative.
2. Please be careful to add “s” or “es” for singular subject.(people)
Overall, your writing is good. You are ready jump into “A” class.
Lettu.Arm Danny Girsang
B1 Class Intensive English Course XX
Recently, technology has became a very important thing in every single kind of human life. There is no doubt every activity we do in our life dealing with technology, no matter what we are, or how old we are. Purposely or not, we have already use it. There are so many examples, from the simplest until the most complicated one. We can take the simplest one, such as cellular phone. This kind of communication device is already widely spread in every layer of our community. Not only for adults, but also children in elementary commonly use this thing. Using technology can assist our work, it can provide every kind of way to simplify many works. Every country try to developed their technologies, furthermore there is a kind of competition in technology among every country in the world especially among the developed countries.
June 15, 2008 5:02 PM
Dear my neighbor, Mr. Danny Girsang
Find my comments below :
Actually, your writing is quite good. Because of yours, I find some new words to be apllied in my writing in the future. However, I still find some errors such as :
1. You only write in one paragrah. You have to remember that the writing consists of some paragraph at least two paragraph, no just one paragraph.
2. I find the interesting topic that is technology has became important thing, I dont find the conclusion which is important to finish the writing as good ending.
3. I still find some mistakes like applying present perfect, for exampel the sentences “technology has became” and “we have already use”, it’s better if tou write “technology has become” and “we have already used” .
B2
I Gede Eka Santika
Csgt Bambang W B2
Please give my comment below :
1. I think your writing is good and I can understand what you mean.
2. You have made a paragraph includes a topic idea and some supporting ideas yet you didn’t explain more about your main idea, you simply explain about examples.
3. I still find a few grammatical errors.
FLT. Hanry / B2
Dear, senior…
I have already looked over your paragraph above and honestly I find difficulties
to find any mistakes and errors as well because you have demonstrated your best..
However, it would be a good idea if I can give you some advises in order to make improvement in the future..
1. It will be better if you create a specific topic sentence such as “ The recent condition of aircraft readiness causes a weakness of Indonesia air power “ because your supporting sentences is dominated by how the air power weaknesses are created.
2. Some missing letters…( Souvrenity….should be Sovereignity…..etc)
3. Subject missing agreement ( a country can protects, please omit the letter ‘s’.)
4. Some sentences show that you are inconsistent to use past and present tense… (As long as the maintenance carried out according to maintenance manual…. Should be carry ot carries ).
Well, I can only find those common mistakes due to your short paragraph…
I hope this will be our starting point to make the better….,thanks.
NAVAL JOINT TASK FORCE
Development of social, economic, and military relationship among countries in South East Asia today has been growing rapidly. In addition to performing a better security in the trading zone on Singapore straits, naval unit, especially from Indonesian, Singapore, and Malaysian have conducted naval joint task force on the Singapore straits, the bussiest sea trade route in Asia. The purposes of naval joint task force are to conduct a better security in trade route to improve the relationship between countries and to share knowledge by conducting a joint military patrol operation and military exercises during the operation. By this kind of operation, we can also improve our relationship with both malaysian and singapore especially in term of military cooperation among each others. In addition this relationship can enhance both better understanding and the effectifeness of military operations among the nations in South East Asia. In order to conduct a better security in border area, we need to improve the relationship between our neighbouring countries. Not only in Singapore strait but also in every other parts of our territorial waters. We also can gain many advantages from the joint task force itself by improving skills and abilities on our naval force.
Fajar
Captain B.2
Dear my frento,actually your writing is good.If I were a teacher here,I would give you 77.5 for your score.
But be aware of using the grammar.just take a look this example:
1.in addition to perfoming….?I think it is better to use V 1.to perform
2.……this relationship can enhance both….?I think you should add with party.
3.what is your sentence topic? The contains in your writing is bias to its titlle.
May be that’s all.In fact your English is better than me. And honestly at beginning,I got no idea to give you some corrections.WHAT SMART YOU ARE SUN
Capt Ro'is and B1 students, I am really very happy with your e-learning activities using this blog! This is a big step forward to meet the objective in modernizing our methodology. So, to the students I just want to remind you, that you are now being observed not only by your teachers but also by your friends and other people as well! Anyway, nothing to worry, it will be better for you! Just do the best. Thanks.
Dear Sgt.Edwin
I’ll give my comment about your writing.
After reading your writing, I think your writing is quite good in general, but at the end of your writing, I found a sentence without an object. So make your sentence is not understandable. You should put an object like “its troop or its peace keeping force” in your sentence. Then, you had better use alphabet at the word “2 times” becomes “two times”
Indonesia has sent its troop two times and will become the host of the exercise next year.
Regards,
Sgt.Suparmanto/B-4
Post a Comment